Candidly Speaking - 22/05/22

A letter to my 13-year-old self

Dear Chuong,

It has been almost 10 years since we last met, but I think of you often. I remember many of the things I did, which you would do five, seven or ten years since. As I slowly enter the realm of manhood - stumble into, to be exact - I remember the boy I was, and the boy you are. Recently, I heard the Eminem song ‘Beautiful’ - you know, the one that goes on for 6 minutes - and I wanted to write you something. I can still feel the same sorrow, longing and nostalgia that the song conveys. You once told me that you would never feel nostalgic, because you did not have any good memories. You’ll be surprised to know that the feeling catches you off-guard, and one day you will remember your 13th year as one of unappreciated certainty and bliss.

You remember the lyrics to the song, I’m guessing:

I think I'm startin' to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature
Of the room, just as soon as
I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that, then it opens a door
For conversation like I want that
I'm not lookin' for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

You are not popular at school, I know. And you think popularity is for the vacuous. You try to blend in to your peers, but you are met with rebuke. You try to catch up with school work, but the more you attend classes, the more disaffected you are with school. You want to disappear most of the time - you feel like this world has no place for you. Everything’s so tense and gloom.

What if I told you that you did not have to feel that way? What if I told you that life becomes easier to deal with as you get older? As a consolation, you will never have to encounter your middle school or high school peers again if you don’t want to. Chances are they will have forgotten all about you. You have never shared any fond memories of them to begin with.

For what it’s worth, you have much to be thankful for in your current situation. Your parents care about you, even if they fail to express that from time to time. You have one or two good friends that you hang around with often. Would it be surprising to know that Huynh Anh will move to Australia and call himself Marcus? You have an extraordinary fondness of music and film, which you will cultivate in the years to come. Deep down, you are a romantic, even when you occasionally give in to despair. And girls like the company of romantic men.

Perhaps as you are reading this, you will feel a measure of disbelief. I get that - I am you, after all. And if we meet again in person, you will not recognize me. Maybe that is the point of growing up. You would not recognize who you are ten years before, would you? Everybody changes, and that means you don’t have to hold on to the same person that you are now. You will still like some of the same things, of course - Eminem being one - but you will see that life does not just revolve around you or the things that you like. You can’t go through life with music and films alone: once you realize that they are fictions, you stop comparing your circumstances with that of an artistic persona or a film character. Art comforts those who feel like they don’t belong in this world, but the real world often has clever ways of telling you you do.

What are you doing this Sunday? Let me guess, a movie. I’d recommend Airplane! I’m sure you have not seen many funny films, as of late. Not all great movies have to be serious, depressing or revelatory, you know. And not all funny movies have to be intellectually dense like Woody Allen. Some are just plain silly, and you should not conflate silliness with stupidity.

I don’t suppose I should bore you with too many words, so I shall bring this letter to a close. If it’s worth anything, I hope this message from the not-so-distant future can give you some comfort, knowing that you are going to do fine, and even if nobody understands you, you still understand yourself.

Bye for now.